I've been getting in some high-drama situations lately, which I think come down to a definition and appreciation of roles.
Let's envision a secretary and an executive. The secretary is trained -- and predisposed -- to keep track of details. The executive is a "big picture" guy.
The big picture guy has an appreciation for both the big and small picture -- and also understands that he has delegated the small picture to his secretary.
The secretary, however, appreciates the small picture details, but neither understands nor appreciates the big picture.
The result is that the secretary sees no value in what the executive does, and sees all of his failures in the "small picture" as deep incompetence on his part.
I wonder how one could keep the secretary happy. The concept in the boss's mind -- which revolves around an appreciation for different roles in a team -- doesn't seem to mean anything to her, because she doesn't understand or appreciate his role.
Some people allow her the illusion of power and control in the small picture. Do what she says with obedience and reverence for the significance she finds in it. Joke about your incompetence in that area, and how you "couldn't survive without her." This seems like a common approach.
My first reaction to this approach is to draw back, because it's an illusion and lie. But maybe it's a helpful lie. If the secretary actually does know the value of the big picture -- but finds herself incompetent to deal with it and insecure from her incompetence, she is unlikely to consider herself "better" than the executive. Instead, she is likely to find her "niche" to be a pleasant little bubble of competence where she can pretend she is "in charge."
I have fought this for years because it is a lie. And I have gotten nothing but negative results and failure. Perhaps the key to accepting it is recognizing that it is a lie -- but a lie to a child, because the child cannot handle the truth. And treating someone as though they can handle a truth that they cannot in fact handle is a recipe for disaster.
Bird Flight Automaton
1 year ago
6 comments:
"...The secretary, however, appreciates the small picture details, but neither understands nor appreciates the big picture.
The result is that the secretary sees no value in what the executive does, and sees all of his failures in the "small picture" as deep incompetence on his part..."
It sounds to me like she is not aware that she's hired as and being thought of as a secretary. Does the BP guy make it clear to her that in his view she is nothing more than his secretary? Or does he think that saying so may be perceived as an insult and hurt her perhaps? Maybe she'd prefer to be perceived as an equal?
I might be too off-base here. Just throwing some guesses...
I think that's exactly it. Right or wrong, the big picture guy doesn't want to appear insulting or condescending ... and he also depends on her within her realm of expertise. He might need to find a way to say "You are great within your role. But only within your role" ...
"You are great within your role. But only within your role"
Hmmmph... It's difficult. If she aspires to be more than just what her perceived role suggests, then what you wrote above would probably be very painful for her to hear. She may desire a little more respect than that, and maybe also to be given a chance and supported to be more than what she currently is (or is perceived to be).
Or it might also be possible to come to an agreement on the roles, but if this didn't already happen intuitively on its own, then I'm not sure if it makes much sense to try to impose the role on her. Maybe she's just not the ideal secretary.
But again, through an NVC-like communication, if it's made clear to her how much her assistance is needed and appreciated, how grateful the BP guy is for it all, then maybe she can show more understanding to the guy and enjoy contributing to his life much more.
what you said about her being "not the ideal secretary," I think is key. We can use NVC on the streets, because when we come home we can take off our shoes and recharge emotionally ... and we are also free to choose who we do that with ...
but if you find yourselves in close relationships -- like that of a secretary, spouse, or child -- with people who cannot or will not voluntarily behave in a way that makes that possible, life becomes very difficult for you, very fast.
It makes sense to see the difficulties as opportunities for learning I guess.
And I think you can benefit a lot from the philosophy underlying NVC if you can get yourself to agree with it. NVC can be a pretty enjoyable and "recharging" process even at home. For example there are even concepts like "enjoying others' pain", in a non-sadistic way. :)
The interesting thing is that it aims at making all communications with people around us a satisfying experience, independent from the content. It's not so much about what is exactly being communicated but more about how to look at it all. It's about perception.
With some effort NVC can help you see a lot of beauty in "bitchiness" for example, then it ceases to be "difficult" in a sense.
I guess I'm repeating myself but NVC is cool. :)
fun at home too? i must not have gotten to that part. will investigate further. thanks dude.
Post a Comment